"LIFE BEGINS AT 80"
by Frank Laubach

I have good news for you.
The first 80 years are the hardest.
The second 80 are a succession
Of birthday parties.

Once you reach 80,
Everyone wants to carry your baggage
And help you up the steps.
If you forget your name,
Or anybody else's name,
Or an appointment,
Or your own telephone number,
Or promise to be three places
At the same time,
Or can't remember how many
Grandchildren you have,
You need only explain that you are 80.

Being 80 is a lot better than being 70.
At 70 people are mad at you for everything.
At 80 you have a perfect excuse,
No matter what you do.
If you act foolishly,
It's your second childhood.
Everybody is looking for symptoms
Of softening of the brain.

Being 70 is no fun at all.
At 70 they expect you to retire
To a house in Florida
And complain about your arthritis.
And you ask everybody to stop mumbling
Because you can't understand them.
(Actually your hearing is about 50% gone.)

If you survive until you are 80,
Everybody is surprised that you are still alive.
They treat you with respect
Just for having lived so long.
Actually they seem surprised
That you can walk and talk sensibly.

So, please, folks, try to make it to 80.
It's the best time of your life.
People forgive you for anything.
If you ask me, life begins at 80.

Senior Life On The Highway

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his
car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice
urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news
that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be
careful."

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's
hundreds of them!"

When I die, I want to go peacefully, Like my grandfather did. In his sleep. Not yelling and screaming Like the passengers in his car.

HOW TO KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLDER

Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

You still have something on the ball, but you're just too tired to bounce it.

It takes longer to rest than to get tired.

You are cautioned to slow down by your doctor, not the police.

Caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

Your wife gives up sex for Lent and you don't know till July 4.

You're now wise enough to watch your step, but you don't go anywhere.

Work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

You have M & M Meltdown (Memory & Mobility).

Tying one on means fastening your Medic Alert bracelet.

Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

You burn the midnight oil until 9 p.m.

You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.

Your little black book contains names only ending in M.D.

Your children begin to look middle age.

You finally reach the top of the ladder, but it's leaning against the wrong wall.

Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.

A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.

You look forward to a dull evening.

Your favorite part of the newspaper is "20 Years Ago Today."

You turn out the lights for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.

You sit in the rocking chair and can't get it going.

Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

You regret all those mistakes you made resisting temptations.

You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 96 around the golf course.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You call the Incontinence Hotline and they say "Can you hold, please?"

You can't stand people who are intolerant.

Your pacemaker makes the garage door open when you see a pretty girl.

The little old grey-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.

You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.

You know all the answers but nobody asks the questions.

You'd try to get nostalgic, but you can't remember anything.

Your whole day is full of "Senior Moments."

Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.

You see bugs before your eyes that aren't, but not the ones that are.

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who enters the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You can live without sex, but not without your glasses.

Your best friend, dating someone half his age, is not breaking any laws.

You are proud of your lawn mover.

You could read better if your arms were longer.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home.

You constantly talk about the price of gas.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

Neighbors borrow *your* tools.

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You don't care where your wife is going, just so you don't have to go with her.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You answer questions with, "Because I said so."

You send money to PBS.

You think about making a movie for your friends and call it "Pumping Rust."

You talk about "good grass" and are referring to someone's lawn.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You know what the word "equity" means.

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.

You never argue with your spouse because you can't hear each other.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You have a dream about prunes.

You got cable for the weather channel.

You can go bowling without drinking.

You have the choice of two temptations
so you choose the one that will get you home earlier.

When you bend over to tie your shoes, you
think about what else you can do while you're there.

You know you're getting older when everything either dries up or starts to leak.

Don't let anyone tell you you're getting older. Squash their toes with your rocker.

Lying about your age is easier, now that you sometimes forget what it is.

Older people are younger today than older people were when we were young.

Caution: www.old dog.com/~attempting new tricks.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

I'm finally old enough to hide my own Easter eggs. I forget where I put them anyway.

There is always something to be thankful for. Just think. Wrinkles don't hurt.

Life's golden age: the kids are too old to need baby sitters and too young to drive.

Life begins at 50. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

Three signs of old age: First is loss of memory. The other two I forget.

As you get older, you don't have to avoid temptation. It will avoid you.

At the age of 70 there are five women to every man. Darndest time to get those odds!

For more "Slightly Senior Moments," visit One-Liner Humor

PRAYER FOR SENILITY

God grant me the Senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into
the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Just a line to say I'm living,
that I'm not among the dead,
though I'm getting more forgetful
and mixed up in the head.

I got used to my arthritis,
to my dentures I'm resigned,
I can manage my bifocals,
but God I miss my mind.

For sometimes I can't remember
when I stand at the foot of the stairs,
if I must go up for something
or have I just come down from there.

And before the fridge so often,
my poor mind is filled with doubt,
have I just put food away,
or have I come to take some out.

And there's times when it is dark
with my nightcap on my head,
I don't know if I'm retiring
or just getting out of bed.

So, if it's my turn to write you,
there's no need for getting sore.
I may think that I've written,
and don't want to be a bore.

So remember that I love you,
and wish that you were near.
Now it's nearly mail time
so must say goodbye dear.

Here I stand beside the mail box,
with a face so very red,
instead of mailing you my letter,
I had opened it instead!

Author Unknown

MY DOG NAMED SEX
Reprinted from a Dear Abbey Column

When I went to City Hall to renew my dog's license, I told
the clerk I wanted a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one, too!"

Then I said, "But this is a dog."

He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You
don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He
winked at me and said, "You must have been quite a kid."

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took my dog with
me. I told the hotel clerk I wanted a room for my wife and me, and
a special room for Sex. He said, "You don't need a special room
for sex. As long as you pay your bill, we don't care what you do."

I said, "Look, you don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night."

The clerk said, "Funny, I have the same problem."

Well, one day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began,
the dog got loose and ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just
standing there, looking disappointed. I told him that I had planned to have
Sex in the contest. He said, "Wonderful! If you sell tickets, you'll clean up!"

"But you don't understand," I said. "I want to have Sex on TV."

He said, "They already have that on cable. It's no big deal anymore."

Well, my wife and I decided to separate, so we went to court
to fight for custody of the dog.

I said to the judge, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married."

The judge said, "This court is not a confessional. Please stick to the facts."
Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."

Well, last night Sex ran away again, and I spent hours looking all over
town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in
this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up on Friday.

You have to stay in shape.
My grandmother started walking
five miles a day when she was 60.
She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.

SENIORS

Seniors are the nation's
Leading carriers of AIDS!
Hearing AIDS
Band AIDS
Roll AIDS
Walking AIDS
Government AIDS
Medical AIDS
And Most of All
MONETARY AID
To Their Kids!

AGE IS A FUNNY THING

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to
get older is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old,
you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions:

How old are you?
I'm four and a half.

You're never 36 and a half,
but you're four and a half going on five!
That's the key.

You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.

And then the greatest day of your life happens: you become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony -- you BECOME 21! YES!!!

But then you turn 30. Ohhh, what happened? Makes you sound
like bad milk. He TURNED. We had to throw him out. There's
no fun now. What's wrong? What changed?

You BECOME 21, YOU turn 30, then you're PUSHING 40,
you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60, and by then you've
built up so much speed, you HIT 70!

After that, it's a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday.
You get into your 80's and you HIT lunch. I mean my
grandmother won't even buy green bananas "Well, it's
an investment, you know, & maybe a bad one."

And it doesn't end there...into the 90's you start going back-
ward: I was JUST 92. Then a strange thing happens, if you make
it over 100, you become a little kid again: I'm 100 and a half!

Age is a funny thing.

George Carlin

The Golden years are here at last. I cannot see, I cannot pee. I cannot chew, I cannot screw. My memory shrinks, my hearing stinks. No sense of smell, I look like hell. The Golden years have come at last. The Golden years can kiss my ass.

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