=========================
ON THE ROAD AGAIN
=========================

There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead.

It's time to pull over and change the air in your head.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

This is not an abandoned vehicle.

Caution: Teen driver just learning stick.

Driver carries no money. Wife and kids have it all.

(On the back of a motorcyclist's jacket): If you can read this, my girlfriend fell off.

Forget about World Peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

Horn broken. Watch for finger.

You think my driving is bad? You should see me putt.

You're parked OK, but your bumpersticker is blocking traffic.

Take the mystery out of driving. Use your turn signal.

If God is your co-pilot, switch seats.

Accidents cause people.

If you can read this, you are in range.

A messy car is a happy car. This car is delirious.

Welcome to Wisconsin. Smell our Dairy Air.

PB4WEGO

I live so far in the country my zip is EIEIO

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

I brake for no apparent reason.

I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Pick a speed and stick with it!

I may be driving slow, but I'm in front of you.

Don't laugh! It's already paid for.

My other car has bucket seats. This one has orange crates.

I can drive slower.

If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.

Tailgaters. Give em a brake.

Answer my prayers. Steal this car.

Bumpersticker on Noah's Ark: "Scattered showers my ass!"

An automobile was mentioned in the Bible: Paul said they were all together in one accord.

Honk if you support tax cuts for the rich.

This bumperstick exploits illiterates.

This is it--I don't have another car.

Visualize being a courteous driver.

Disregard last bumpersticker.

I couldn't repair your brakes so I made your horn louder.

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

Upon advice of counsel, my bumper bears no message at this time.

Honk if you want to see my finger.

He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.

Honk if anything falls off.

My other car has bumperstickers, too.

Once we have the bugs ironed out we'll be running on flat bugs.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Hang up and drive!

Anybody going slower than you is an idiot. Anybody going faster than you is a maniac.

My car might be ugly, but your daughter was in it last night.

If you can read this you're either too close or my bumper fell off again.

If you're living on the edge, be sure to buckle your seatbelt.

My designated driver drove me to drink.

Use caution in passing. Driver chewing tobacco.

Belt that kid of yours. It's the law.

Back off! You're creeping up like cheap underwear.

If you are psychic, think "Honk."

Someday we'll look back on this and plow into a parked car.

My other car still has its radio.

Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll fix it until it is.

=========================
WHISTLE WHILE WE WORK
=========================

Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

Work is the curse of the drinking class.

Mondays are a terrible way to start the week.

The squeaky wheel gets replaced.

Confidence is what you have when you don't really understand the situation.

Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.

There's nothing like a little experience to upset a theory.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look surprised.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

The road to success is always under construction.

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

If at first you don't succeed, do it like your mother told you.

When the blind leadeth the blind, get out of their way.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

I get plenty of exercise dodging deadlines.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

If at first you don't succeed try try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Always give 100% at work: 12% Mon. 23% Tues. 40% Wed. 20% Thurs. 5% Fri.

Mondays are the potholes in the road of life.

You can't fire me. Slaves have to be sold.

People who do the world's real work don't usually wear neckties.

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.

I used to work in a muffler factory until I got exhausted.

The trouble with work is...it's so daily.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

I pretend to work...they pretend to pay.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Can I trade this job for what's behind Door #2?

One of the greatest labor-saving devices of today is tomorrow.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why give it a chance?

The facts, though interesting, are irrelevant.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

Is there life before coffee?

Of course I don't look busy. I did it right the first time.

If all else fails, lower your standards.

The sooner you get behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

There cannot be a crisis today. My schedule is already full.

Just when you think you've won the ratrace, along come faster rats.

If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

The buck doesn't even slow down here. Keep going!

Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I can't come in today. My hair won't start.

Work fascinates me. I could watch it for hours.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

The toes you step on today may be attached to the ass you have to kiss tomorrow.

Someone who thinks logically offers a nice contrast to the real world.

Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

I love deadlines, especially the whooshing sound as they fly by.

A woman's favorite position is CEO.

If at first you don't succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling.

Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.

Anyone can do any amount of work if it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.

It's been one of those days--all week.

Trouble at work? Need some relief? Go to the head!

You have the capacity to learn a lot from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.

Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

When in doubt, THINK!

I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem.

Panic now. Avoid the rush.

Yesterday I couldn't spell engineer. Now I are one.

Some days you're the dog. Other days you're the hydrant.

Some days it's not worth chewing through the restraints.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

There is no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

I have no idea what I'm doing out of bed.

Accomplishing the impossible means the boss will add it to your regular job.

Sometimes I think I understand everything. Then I regain consciousness.

Unless you're the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.

I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on "escape."

Never argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

Many a crown of wisdom is but the golden champerpot of success worn with pompous dignity.

Success covers a multitude of blunders.

The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.

=========================
LAND OF THE FREE?
=========================

Born free. Taxed to death.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

It's not hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

If money could talk, it would say goodbye.

Politicians and diapers should be changed often, for the same reason.

If we quit voting, will they all go away?

Minimum wage for politicians.

Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check.

I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

Whoever said money can't buy happiness doesn't know where to shop.

My kids think I'm a bank.

I don't need therapy. I need money.

I'm proud to be an undercover CIA agent.

How did a fool and his money get together?

Jury: Twelve people who decide which client has the better attorney.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Government policy: If it ain't broke, we'll fix it until it is.

I owe. I owe. So off to work I go.

How can I be overdrawn? I still have checks left.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

By the time I have money to burn, my fire will be out.

Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the IRS,

When I was a child I was told anyone could become President. I'm beginning to believe it.

Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.

Our National Health Plan: Don't get sick.

It takes a child to raze a village.

Don't steal. The government hates competition.

Impeach Clinton and her husband, too.

Annoy a liberal. Work hard and be happy.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Bad cop. No donut.

Carter used to be our worst President.

I'm spending my children's inheritance.

The lottery--a tax break for the intelligent.

A journey of 1,000 miles begins with a cash advance.

Two can live as cheaply as one--for half as long.

Lack of money is the root of all Evil.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them.

Politics: from the words "poly" meaning many, and "ticks"
meaning "small blood-sucking parasites."

We've got the best government money can buy.

Politicians deal with the problems which would not exist if they did not exist.

Bureaucracy: transforming energy into solid waste.

IRS: Be audit you can be.

If progress means to move forward, what does congress mean?

Dear IRS, Please cancel my subscription.

Accountants don't die, they just lose their balance.

Anudder brilyant mind diztroyed by da publik educashun sistum.

Filthy stinking rich...well, two out of three ain't bad.

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular.

Budget: a method for going broke methodically.

Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

To succeed in politics, you must rise above your principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. They don't expect to be paid back.

Live within your income, even if you have to borrow money to do so.

State of the Art: What we could do with enough money.

The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

The fool and her money are soon courted.

Just when I make ends meet, someone moves the ends.

His money is twice tainted. Tain't yours and tain't mine.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.

Money can't buy you friends, but you do get a better class of enemy.

Save your money. Someday it may be worth something.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

Price. Quality. Service. Pick two.

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